I don’t Believe

Talking to Lu a while back about Semana Santa, he asked me – So what do you believe in?  And I realized there was a lot in the apostle’s creed that I no longer believe in.

1.  I don’t believe in God being the Creator of heaven and earth 

2.  I don’t believe in the resurrection of the body.

3.  I don’t believe in heaven and hell.

4.  And life everlasting seems to be a curse rather than a blessing.

I’ve changed.  Within the religious community, they will probably say for the worse.  Most people who know my beliefs are aghast and disbelieving.  But I am comfortable with these beliefs.  And whether other people can ever reconcile these radical beliefs to the fact that I still believe in God, is up to them.  I do believe in God, a merciful God who is one with all creation.

1.  And I believe that we all have souls and that our earthly bodies are prisons.

2.  That death frees our soul to be more than it can be.

I don’t know if my beliefs have a name. But there you go, that’s me.




Summer Job

I required our two eldest kids to work this summer.  I started them out with half day schedules.  I gave them peso80 for half day’s work.  Feeling ko parang malaki.  Na-excite ang dalawa sa extra money nila.  I’m thinking, pababaan ko kaya?  

Anyway, they seemed to find the work interesting.  I started them out with some bookkeeping.  Double checking additions, tallying collections and updating bank records.  Then they did some stenciling and more office work.  I was surprised that they could do the work.  Mababa lang talaga expectations ko. 

I hope I don’t get tired of them accompanying me to work.  I hope this can last through the summer.


I Cried a Tear

How can you cry just a single tear?  Is it possible?  

Anyway, the line just popped into my head while I was thinking of a title for what happened this afternoon.  I was reading essays submitted by applicants to the scholarship program O and I set up 4 years ago.  

Second Wind, that’s the name we chose.  Some relief to parents who have labored for so long, seeing the high school finish line so near and yet struggling, not quite sure if they could reach it.  We offer them some relief until the next race; the next school year that is.  It is open to high school students only.  We figure grade school students can still transfer to a cheaper school with less trauma rather than high school students.

One grade 4 student tried her luck even while her mom knew that our scholarships are open to high school only.  I received her application, not promising her mom anything.

But boy, her essay made me teary-eyed.  I was very impressed with how she was able to convey her intense desire to stay in this particular school without being maudlin or needy.  She stated her family’s financial difficulties matter of factly, she realizes that she might have no choice but to transfer but she prays that maybe , just maybe she can stay in the school she loves.  

Unlike other scholarships, grades are not as important.  Poverty is not the main factor.  Desire is what I seek.  And this kid has conveyed her desire to stay in my alma mater very effectively.

She will be helped.  Not the whole amount owing to the fact she does not meet the requirements set.  We do have to follow some sort of guideline to ensure some sort of order.  But the beauty in being one’s own boss is that I get to stretch the rules and make an exception.

She took a risk.  She asked.  Something will be given.

Deathbed Promises

Now that I’ve had first hand experience of a deathbed promise, I think it’s a cruel imposition on the living.

I made promises that I now find difficult to fulfill.  Sometimes you want to but circumstances prevent you.  

My mom wanted me to assure her that I would protect an aunt’s possession from the infighting of her children.  Though I know I am objective enough and have the discernment to do so – I don’t think I will be able to.  I am not my mom.  I do not have her authority.  She was an aunt to my cousins.  When she talked, my cousins listened.  I am these cousins’ level and younger than they all are.  Who am I to make decisions for their mom?  

I am not stupid enough to proceed knowing the circumstances.  I know I will not be an effective mediator for this relative’s problem.  What was I thinking promising my mom?  That is the problem- when death is near, one rarely thinks.  

But I made a promise.  In whatever way I can, I will but to the extent that my mom wanted me to do when she is gone – I simply am unable to do.

When I am on my deathbed and if i have the opportunity, I will not hold my husband nor my children to any promises.  That would be cruel to them.  I have lived my life.  They will live theirs.  I have no right to impose upon them after I have left this earth.