My Inner Compass

I was in a moral dilemma the other day. Speaking of dilemma, I finally caved in and am now using the new spelling as opposed to the original dilemna. 🙂

Anyway, the moral dilemma – i came to a crossroads in my life. One choice: I accept the proposal and the problem goes away. But the proposal came with a heavy price. I would compromise my beliefs. 

Second choice: I reject the proposal and I continue on in this rocky uncertain path laced with hardship and stress. 

My blink reaction was to accept the proposal. That would solve everything. Everybody involved would be happy. But that night as I thought over the proposal again, I was bothered. Admittedly my first concern was how I would hide the indecent proposal. And then there was the thought that if it became public, my integrity would be destroyed. And for what? Not even for something that is dear to my heart. Not even something that I am passionate about. Just a problem that I inherited and that I am addressing because I never shirk from my responsibility.

The whole night I tossed the dilemma around my head. 

In the end it was not so much being principled as the fact that the consequences were not worth the proposal. I was being practical but I can not deny that there was the fear that if I accepted the proposal, I would be on the path to moral decay. All it takes is the first timid step. And if I took it, it would set a precedent for future opportunities. 

And I remember what our guru told us about our lives. We find the north star to guide us but when the skies are cloudy and the north star is hidden, then the only way to guide us would be to look within ourselves and call upon our centre. That which is within us that keeps us balanced. And yes, I did look into my centre and just let go of the pros and cons in my head. In the end I went with my heart. The first choice bothered me, therefore it was not good.

It’s funny. Now that I have trained myself to think logically, I find that I am more in tune with the inner me.

And so I decided with finality that I would stay with the status quo. It is not as bad as it looks once you accept the worst that can happen. Kaya pa naman. And I know with this decision I would be able to look anyone in the eye with confidence and no fear. 


On Relationships

I saw this on facebook: Spend your time with those who love you unconditionally than with someone who loves you only when the condition is right for them.

This speaks more to relationships rather than just ordinary spending time. And at first glance it is a good thought. But then  again what about how you feel? Does that mean that how you feel is inconsequential? That you will be with somebody because he/she loves you unconditionally?

I would want to spend time with an interesting person, somebody who helps me grow. Somebody who can bring out the good in me rather than the bad. I want to spend time with a person who makes me laugh and who laughs at my jokes too. If I love him more than he loves me, I do not see the wrong in that. Although it is nice if the man loves me more 🙂

My only beef with the above quote is that it does not take my feelings into account. 

What if the person who loves me only when the condition is right is the one that makes my heart melt and allows me to grow and brings out the best in me? What if the person who loves me unconditionally does nothing for my feelings. All the good intentions and actions he will do for me because he loves me might not be appreciated if I find him uninteresting.

But that’s just me. Maybe this person was burned in his relationship with somebody who would not commit. Maybe this is his reaction to that previous relationship. 

Mommy Thoughts

Semestral break is over. My two sons just went back to university. Second son was looking forward to returning to campus but I could sense first son was a bit melancholy. For some reason, it bothered me a little. I want my children to look forward to the new and not be too attached to the old. I want them to be adventurous. I want them to explore while they are still young and they do not have much responsibilities yet.

And when first son opened my car door and carried the groceries and the heavy stuff, and when he made sure the lights were out and the doors locked before he went to bed – I felt a momentary twinge too. My son is becoming a man. And it bothered me too in the sense that he was becoming independent and this was the start of me relying on my children instead of the other way around. Now I know why my father in law would never allow us to pay for dinner when we went out. I guess that is also why my mom always insisted on paying for our travels together. We will always be children to them.

But I have to get used to this. I will let them pay for me when they are able to. I will enjoy being waited on if they so decide. i will try not to be too independent and accept my children’s help eventually. After all I trained them that way. What kind of person would I be if I negate what I have taught them all this time. 

They are not mine after all. They are their own persons.