I Should

My brother gave us fruits; pears, apples and oranges. Not the best but sweet enough. At about the same time, (I didn’t know we would have all these fruits) I bought several boxes of macadamia nuts choco and pralines.

We can’t eat the fruits fast enough before they might spoil.

On the one hand I should eat the peeled apples that was served today. Apples are good for you and they taste ok and if I don’t eat it it will oxidate tonight and turn brown.

And chocolates can be kept for months without spoiling. It should be a no-brainer.

But I really want to eat the chocolates. I was craving it awhile back.

So I ate 3 or 4 slices of apple, sort of a token thing. And still ate the chocolates. Until my craving was sated.

Want won over Should.

Forever and Ever

Your autoimmune system is attacking your thyroid – the doctor tells me in his cheerful booming voice.

Will the medicine help? I ask him. It will regulate your hormones, he said. And how long before I can stop taking the pills? I ask further. Oh, it will be forever, he said. Forever and ever? That sounds so disheartening.

On the other hand after researching further on my condition, the good thing is that it was caught early. Just months after my TSH level went haywire. All very manageable.

Still the thought that I will forever be popping some pill puts a damper on my preference of going natural. No western meds, not till there is no choice. I guess this counts as not having a choice if I want a relatively healthy life.

Well, there is no escaping the march of time. This is probably the start of having doctors in my phone directory. But i still draw the line at extraordinary measures like chemo and radiation.

 

The Proper Time

I am glad I tried one of the better Japanese restaurant at my age. The kind that made the hubby go dipuga when he took first bite of the appetizer and me go Omg in chinese. I rarely swear, but god that was heavenly melt in your mouth exquisite. Almost orgasmic.

O wondered if we should bring the boys to this restaurant the next time we were in Singapore. I thought about it. I think not.

After tonight, I will never enjoy japanese food in bacolod again. Maybe I might still enjoy some of the preparations in Manila but now that I know what can be possible, I will forever compare.

Like the boys when they had pizza margherita in Napoli. At the risk of sounding snobbish, the boys were just being truthful when they compare. And yet I really do not know how it has affected their childhood, having tried something that good at so young an age. Will they eventually appreciate what is within reach or will they forever look beyond, never seeing jewels in front of them.

Yes, i think an experience like this will be better appreciated when they have mucked around with the frogs before mingling with the princes.

There is a proper time for everything. Too early and they could be spoiled and take the good things for granted. Too late and there might be regrets. When it is time, the boys will find their way. We will not spoonfeed them the good things in life.

Tatsuya. Goodwood Park Hotel, Scotts Rd, Singapore

Senti

Alone listening to Josh Groban’s songs; a sprinkling of kt tunstall and gary jules’ version of Mad World. Feeling senti tonight. Feeling at peace.

I like times like this. I am alone with music. Tonight it is senti songs. Some nights it might be dance songs. Music fills me up. Fills up my soul. And when my soul is full I get mellow and just all around content.

I think I really am geared towards the arts, to instincts, to emotions. Despite me having been led down the path of the rational, the practical,the logical, the thinking sort. It seemed the right thing to do when I was deciding my college course. Veering towards the path of the scientific was not difficult and probably because I found Math and Logic easy, is probably the reason it was easy to stifle my emotional side.

Now I finally understand my troubling dream that came intermittently all through high school, college and the first few years after graduation. Thanks to a great counsellor, I remember her name: Beth Loanzon. Her analysis was spot on. Yet even now that I understand me, I still find it difficult to accept me. I still turn up my nose to the real me. Too many years of putting down instincts and emotions in favour of the practical and the rational.

But slowly I am embracing me. The subconscious me that I have stifled all these years. Its an uphill journey and quite exhilarating actually.

O is home. Enough of my alone time.

Deepest Desires

I received an email yesterday informing me of a talk titled “Praying your Deepest Desires” by Fr. Ted Gonzales, SJ.

I was struck by the title. I thought about what I really wanted. And I could think of none. It has been a long time since I prayed for something … anything. Starting in my 20s, I started to be apprehensive of having dreams come true. I stopped praying for things. Afraid of the consequences if it came true.

What do I desire? Not wealth nor power, Not fame nor recognition, not even my health or my family’s. Not happiness, most of all not love. I once prayed for strength to follow through what I thought was right. But that was it.

Some say that your desires are what moves you in your decisions and actions. But if I have none, then what moves me? My beliefs and values are what guide my actions that lead to what my life is now. It doesn’t have to be something deep nor classified as desire. Desire connotes an unflinching focus of your wants. Desire is something that you wish to attain. I live for the now and though I prepare for the immediate future, I will go with the flow. I will not be one of those who will forcefully change the world. I will adjust as the changes come.

My philosophy now is different than in my youth. I am now accepting of what will happen to me good or bad. If I am meant to suffer then I will try to make the most of that suffering. If I should be given success in my work then I will try to enjoy and share the fruits of that success.

The title is very intriguing and kept me occupied for several hours twisting the concept here and there to make sense of it. It still doesn’t make sense but it sure kept the mind working.

 

Full of Me

The other day I caught myself being full of myself. It was quite a jolt to my equilibrium that I am on occasions an unlikeable person. I had to stop and review my actions.

It comes unbidden. As the meeting or a discussion progresses and you get caught up with the issues at hand,  in hindsight I realize that I can be at times condescending and dismissive of others. It is not a pretty picture.

The more accomplishments and successes a man encounters, the more he is at risk of becoming full of himself. The more difficult to remain simple. Even more so in this age when Western culture all promote self-confidence to the point of being arrogant. All the self-help magazines tell its readers to be proud of your achievements, to trumpet it to the world, to not take criticism lying down. Past is the day when one kept quiet of his achievements at the risk of being branded a braggart and uncouth.

I didn’t like what I was that day. It will take effort to constantly remind myself that what I did was not nice. Just like love is a will and not an emotion then so can we will our actions towards what should be and not what we feel on the particular occasion.

Admittedly I am going the rational peaceful path rather than the explosive passionate path.

Love My Own

I have so far good experiences traveling within this country (knock wood). Nice taxi drivers and planes more or less on time. The few occasions that i was caught in a massive delay can be counted on one hand. I think it is par for the course. I do not expect everything to be on time all the time. The Philippines is not in that level yet. Give or take 30minutes, that is good enough for me.

On a recent international flight, some balikbayans were seated behind me. There was a few minutes delay in landing due to traffic on the tarmac. And when we landed there was another slight delay in connecting to the tube. It wasn’t that bad. But the balikbayans behind me were loudly joking that “only in the philippines” when the flight officer announced the delay in landing. Their wisecracks putting down my Philippines grated on me.

I kept silent of course but i wanted to turn around and tell them these delays can happen anywhere in any airline. I held my tongue.

It was not funny.