Everpresent Death

Whenever I travel by plane or go on a motorcycle ride, I always think if this might be my last day. I imagine a crash. I imagine hitting a car head on if on a motorcycle. I wonder if death will be instantaneous. I wonder how I will die.

I do not fear death. But I do feel sad for my youngest son if I should pass away suddenly. He has just started his teen-age years. The older two will be better equipped to handle such an event. To the best that I can, I have arranged my documents and I have written down a list of secret places and passwords.

I am always thankful if a trip passes uneventfully. I thank god, sometimes I thank the fates that I have survived another week, another month, another year. The rare times I pray, I only pray to give me one more year with my family. Just until they are somewhat ready for my passing.

I don’t think it’s morbid. I talk to the boys about what would happen if I should die. They know I want to be cremated. They know I don’t particularly care what kind of service to have during my wake and my inurnment. After all I don’t believe in heaven so it shouldn’t matter what kind of religious service they hold. They also know I don’t want white flowers. Pink, orange, peach, lavender – I want those. And if they must because society might not look at them kindly, then they can wear white but only for the duration of the wake. But I would rather they don’t.

Again a paradox, the constant thought of dying makes me appreciate life more. Life should be lived without regrets. I have found the middle ground to materialism and detachment. I am satisfied at how my life has been lived. Sometimes there is a wish for more but it is precisely that tension that keeps life interesting.

And life has been interesting. I have no complaints.



Realising a Paradox

I finally realised how to apply paradoxes in my life.

To appear graceful and light, you need to apply strength. To want something in life you must learn to let go.

Finally in my middle ages I discover that appearing fragile and graceful in dance needs all the tension I can muster in my arms. Control is the key to being light. It is counterintuitive but I only fully embraced this technique in dance after much thought. And I realised that many satisfying things that have happened in my life have come about because of counterintuitive moves.

I finally found my partner in life after giving up finding and letting things be.

Our best strategy so far in business is doing the opposite to what common finance ideas dictate.

My childhood dream of being president of a particular company was achieved after I decided it was not that important.

In all these events, I have simply realised that I should not rely too much on what can be seen, on what is perceived, on what is acceptable. I find that life is all the richer by doing the opposite and letting go. Only once in a while. I still need to conform to some dictates of society because I still enjoy the benefits that conforming sometimes bring.