Lately I haven’t been keen on meeting some people. I don’t mind meeting people related to our business or people related to the NGO I am connected with. It is mostly with high school friends and some college friends. Although to be fair, I thoroughly enjoyed myself when Pink suggested we meet with some dorm friends. It’s just that the idea of reconnecting with friends never occurred to me.
The other night I had time free so decided to join a gathering of high school friends. It was ok. Although when they planned our christmas reunion, I hemmed and hawed. I didn’t actually commit to attending but they presumed I did. I didn’t correct them. For now, I really have no intention of going to that reunion. But who knows what will happen on the day itself.
I realised that aside from my dorm friends, I really don’t enjoy socialising with “friends”. I realised that it is more interesting interacting with acquaintances or strangers.
Mad was right when she said that I am not open. It is difficult for me to open up and have a deep friendship with anyone. Only O has probably stayed long enough to have allowed me to thaw and share my deepest thoughts. And yet even with him, sometimes I hesitate to go all the way because he might misunderstand.
Probably the only reason I have stayed on very good terms with the barkada is because we rarely see each other. Even with me and Pink in the same city, we rarely hang out although we do have occasional chikka moments.
So maybe I am anti-social. Maybe it is more pronounced now because at my age, I am no longer as concerned about what other people think.
Probably because I aim to be a logical rational person with a streak of the practical, I have a soft spot for silliness.
Silly stuffs lower down my defenses. And when my defenses are lowered, I become the opposite of what I am.
My head will say thankfully those times are rare but my subconscious seeks the silliness once in a while.
Like now, I do miss the silly times of the past. I wonder when the next episode will pop up?
I was invited to a quasi government meeting. A sort of advisory council.
While not much happened during the meeting, mostly talk that went nowhere, I was happy to attend. It showed me a different format of a meeting. Not the usual that I attended. It was a different interaction; much what you would get if there was no clear direction or position on what the council was about. Words were thrown about. Just words that sounded nice but seemed to have no teeth.
It took a bit of an effort to be silent. It is not so difficult for me now. Unlike in my youth where I sometimes could not control my emotions and would also join in the cacophony of voices.
I kept silent because number 1, I was not yet a member and I didn’t really know what the council was about. Number 2, I didn’t know the people involved. Number 3, I saw that it was pointless to share my ideas and thoughts. I spouted safe ideas being careful not to antagonise or belittle anybody. Who am I after all?
I have realised that it is more difficult to be silent when you know the real score but by revealing it you risk embarrassing some people.
I am silent now on Facebook. Sometimes I press like, sometimes I share ballet photos but I no longer update my status. Some people in my friends list have polarising views about our new president. Best to be silent on social media and just share my opinions during actual private conversations. I find that sharing opinions during a party or an actual conversation is less antagonistic than sharing on Facebook. Maybe because most people forget the minutiae of the conversation after the fact while you have your status update up for all to read and reread hours, days, months even years from now.
Whatever, I find prudence in being silent. And I will keep it that way for now. I do not like conflicts.
We have no christmas tree this year. For the first time in my life, I will be welcoming christmas without a tree. I do have a nativity scene, a christmas wreath and little santas all over our living and dining room.
Last year none of my boys helped in putting up and decorating the tree. Nobody seemed to be excited over the gifts under the tree. So, this year I decided it would be a good way to follow my life philosophy of living simply “omnia mea mecum porto”. Maybe start a new tradition of not following tradition.
My boys will be home in a few days and our family together for the holidays is more than enough to celebrate christmas. There will be less gifts this year, instead there will be a vacation to Taiwan. Bonding with the family.
I like this. I got me more free time for the stuff that I feel are more important.
Lately I have feelings of sadness. Not personal. But a general feeling of being down.
A while back O and I were trailing a military truck ferrying young baby-faced soldiers in full battle gear with their M16s by their side. We were in a small town outside of the city, a town near the mountains where some communists/bandits still operated. I felt sad. I wanted to wave at them and give them a thumbs up. But I hesitated and the opportunity was lost.
I was sad that part of their lives now would mean going without proper rest and food for days. That danger of losing limbs or worse, their lives was very much real. Sad for their general future.
And then I got home to the internet with several of my “contacts” posting very politicised views. Sad that my country is divided.
And then I read about America and the liberals’ protests. And that deepened my sadness. The world is disturbed. And I feel the pain.
I deactivated my main Facebook account. I just wanted to step off this world.
It is difficult to have empathy. Too much feelings swirling around disturbs me.