Alone

You are one of the top personnel of a successful company. Many outsiders attribute the success of the company to you. You start to chafe at the company policies being implemented. You believe in yourself. You know you can succeed on your own. So you quit.

But no financier will back your idea. And many competitors will not touch you, seeing your actions in quitting the company abruptly as dangerous. None in the industry will deal with you.

So what use is independence if nobody recognizes it except your family and immediate circle of friends? What use is independence if society ignores your declaration? And if you persist, down the line, who will trade with you? Who will establish relations with you? How will you survive?

Following a dream is heady but following a dream without being realistic – I don’t understand. I am being practical. How will this autonomous government who longs to be independent and has in fact declared independence survive without the acceptance, recognition and support of the region where they are located? If the big businesses move away from its territory, their tax collections will be affected. Which financial institution will accept their bonds and guarantees knowing at any time the territory could be dissolved?

I understand people have dreams and desires but I am practical and survival trumps the fulfillment of airy goals for me. If I choose to live with humanity, then I must adapt to its rules.

The First Thought

And we thought that the Visayas Bikers’ Unity Ride went without a hitch. This morning the last group on their way home met an accident. One of their riders hit a small bike making a left turn in the highway. Rider and his wife were injured. The motorcycle sustained major damage.

And as biker was coherent enough to talk, the first thing out of his mouth “How’s the bike? What’s the damage?” And three more questions pertaining to the bike. And then he remembers his wife -“How’s the wife?” Upon being told that she was ok and had only cuts and bruises, his thoughts revert to his bike and accessories. He worried about his helmet and his Xena (communicator). Of 10 questions he asked before being wheeled into the hospital, 9 were about his bike.

It is as expected. We biker wives understand that.

Rider had a broken clavicle but on the whole, they are ok. They are still lucky it was nothing major. And he had just taken an OD insurance and put in crash bars.

One Sided

How come I haven’t seen memes about sons finding wives who will support and respect them? All that I have read is about parents praying that their daughters find a man who will treasure and respect them. And articles about rearing boys to grow up to be men who will respect their partners.

As mother to 3 boys, I find it all one-sided. Especially as a cousin bewailed how her daughters in law run roughshod over her well mannered boys. She told me that having good boys will mean you will lose them to daughters in law. It would have been ok if daughters in law took care of cousin, but no. Daughters in law are still very close to their own mothers and cousin does not feel the love from these daughters in law. Wala nang daughters-in-law, unti unti pang nawawala ang sons.

We raise our boys to be respectful and supportive of their wives but are the girls being raised to be supportive of their husbands too? Daw one-sided haw?

I remember what the comelec chairman’s mother in law said: (paraphrasing) Andy was the son in law I prayed for. Everything that I hoped for my daughter. 

So there you go, you pray that your daughter finds a gentleman who has principles, character, who will love your daughter and support her ideas, who will respect her person etc etc. But did you train your daughter to be the kind of wife too who will have principles and character, who will love her husband and support his ideas, who will respect her husband’s person etc etc? It works both ways.

Maybe my boys shouldn’t be too nice.

I Don’t Think I Should Worry Too Much

Well, what do you know … the baby of the family is not that baby anymore. He actually is starting to be responsible and able to think for himself. And here I was worrying when he’d be more mature. And when I wasn’t looking he surprised me.

It started with his application essay. I thought I would have to make a lot of corrections, but no – it was well written with just enough touch of “bola” to make the intended party smile.

And then he had sense enough to ask permission from his teachers for him to wear crocs since he had a toe infection. Without me telling him.

And now, papa O is away and he successfully turns on the genset despite the wrong instructions I gave him. He ignored what I said and did it his way. 

Well, what can I say. Nothing but smile

Bad Mood

I really don’t care to be tactful when I am in a bad mood. And obviously I am less forgiving when in this state. 

When a teenager calls me by my first name and thinks to be on the same level as me, on a good day i will let it pass but since I am in a bad mood, I brushed him off. He wanted to talk to me about his experience in school, I told him I was not interested because I never liked the school where he is enrolled. I do not need to be solicitous to him since he considers me an equal anyway. 

Maybe in Japan he calls his elders by their first name, I told him I would tolerate him calling me by my first name but reminded him that in the Philippines, respect for elders is strictly followed and he should address all my relatives as aunties or uncles or titos and titas. The first few times I let the first name basis pass but I guess a small pebble will bother you if it stays in your shoes long enough. And today was that day.

Remind me again why I opened our home to this foreign person?

My teenagers were not this full of themselves when they were in their teens. But both foreign students we hosted think they are smart enough when in reality they know squat. Last night, teenager asked my help in his essay regarding poverty in Bacolod. He said he doesn’t think Bacolod is poor. I disabused him of the idea. I told him that his life with us is not the norm. And that poverty is very much a problem in the whole country.

And he thinks just because he’s been here 3 months that he knows my country? That is the problem with most teenagers. 

I’m venting. Better here on wordpress than to his face.

 

Devout

I had a chance to talk to a deeply religious friend facing a health crisis. She recounted her trials and I was surprised when she mentioned how she questioned why she was having these trials. It surprised me that she is like the majority of religious people I know who waver in their faith when fced with trials.

I am not religious but I do believe in a god. I never questioned why my life turns out the way it does. Not when my father was suddenly taken away from this world without any warning. Not when my mother passed away after a difficult 6months after diagnosis of an illness. It is the will of god.

I too suffer on occasions but it does not overwhelm because the most time that i dwell on the imagined injustice is overnight. By the next day i am over the shock or worry of the initial discovery/incident. By accepting what has happened it is easier to move forward to better times.

When my own time comes, i have prepared myself for so long that if given a chance to die after an illness i will prepare everyone for my departure. I will not question why it happens. I will not dwell on my suffering. I will just let go and enjoy my last days. If i am fortunate to have time to prepare.

Catholic, protestant, buddhist – they are all the same. The people i know, when faced with a crisis – they asked if they had done something bad to deserve the misfortune they are facing.

And i had to tell my friend not to think that way. Because if that were the case, how does one explain babies and children dying from painful illnesses? How does one explain philippine politicians?

Three is a Crowd

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When my bonsais were babies, I tried grouping some by 3s. See how it would grow. Well now they have grown and it is getting crowded. The plants are less healthy than the twos or the singles. And the roots are not expanding as fast as the doubles or the singles. So today I took out one to give the remaining two room to grow. Now I know, three in a pot is a bad idea.

Much like life, unless the third is the offspring, three in a setting is difficult to maintain. Growth in each one is cramped and potential is limited. 

 

 

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Double is good, the art of intermingling gives it deeper and more interesting shapes

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single is also good. The roots are freer to grow.

The Other World

I was talking to an acquaintance during a lull in the local festivities and for some reason it veered towards religion. Like where I go to church and why don’t I go to the church … the likes.

Acquaintance was telling the story of how several years back she was searching for peace in her life but now she is settled with Christianity. She puts the spirit world in a bad light, how being open to them opens you up also to evil.

I have always been a believer of the other world; of spirits and the enchanted world. O’s third eye is open and he is sensitive to the spirit world. I try to be but I seem to be too rational to feel them. I consider them friendlies and do not fear them. When weird things happen, talking to them seems to help and ease the unexplained stuffs.

Acquaintance has now closed her third eye and extols the virtue of having a narrow mind in terms of religious belief. It is less prone to temptation and the focus strengthens her beliefs.

It is a different view and I respect her views. It made me realize that mine is not the only view and being open is not necessarily good for other people. Some people prefer to be on the straight and narrow. Some people want the comforts of the familiar. Some people do not want to explore.

I do not believe in any religion but I do believe that we are one. One with each other and one with the world. A kind of new age mumbo-jumbo. *smile* Maybe it is mumbo jumbo but it is real for me.

To be one with everyone, I have to listen and accept. I will not change her to my way of thinking. I will not convince her as I hope she won’t convince me to attend church services.

It was an interesting night.

Anti-social

Lately I haven’t been keen on meeting some people. I don’t mind meeting people related to our business or people related to the NGO I am connected with. It is mostly with high school friends and some college friends. Although to be fair, I thoroughly enjoyed myself when Pink suggested we meet with some dorm friends. It’s just that the idea of reconnecting with friends never occurred to me.

The other night I had time free so decided to join a gathering of high school friends. It was ok. Although when they planned our christmas reunion, I hemmed and hawed. I didn’t actually commit to attending but they presumed I did. I didn’t correct them. For now, I really have no intention of going to that reunion. But who knows what will happen on the day itself.

I realised that aside from my dorm friends, I really don’t enjoy socialising with “friends”. I realised that it is more interesting interacting with acquaintances or strangers.

Mad was right when she said that I am not open. It is difficult for me to open up and have a deep friendship with anyone. Only O has probably stayed long enough to have allowed me to thaw and share my deepest thoughts. And yet even with him, sometimes I hesitate to go all the way because he might misunderstand.

Probably the only reason I have stayed on very good terms with the barkada is because we rarely see each other. Even with me and Pink in the same city, we rarely hang out although we do have occasional chikka moments.

So maybe I am anti-social. Maybe it is more pronounced now because at my age, I am no longer as concerned about what other people think.

Silly Stuff

Probably because I aim to be a logical rational person with a streak of the practical, I have a soft spot for silliness.

Silly stuffs lower down my defenses. And when my defenses are lowered, I become the opposite of what I am.

My head will say thankfully those times are rare but my subconscious seeks the silliness once in a while. 

Like now, I do miss the silly times of the past. I wonder when the next episode will pop up?